You have all the resources you need
Debunking myths
RETaC has laid bare some myths from popular psychology and self-development and debunked them. I want to share two myths with you that have been very pervasive and stem from self-development theories like for example NLP (in the RETaC Advanced training I will share more myths). These myths are almost repeated in any self-help and management book, however they are flawed. Why are they flawed? The emotional brain does not function as the logic implies with the myths. Experience has shown that some self-development myths in fact can stall development for many years! You (don’t) have all the resources you need..
Myth number 1: You have all the resources you need (to make any change you want).
Apart from the fact that this is (as most are) an uplifting myth, and can help to search beyond one’s limitations, to a certain extent this is a false myth.
This myth presupposes that we should be looking for internal resources, and that that will solve ‘all’ your problems. However, many of lives experiences do not come from within. They come from outside of us. For example, I have a dog. When I wake up, she is beyond playful. Exited to see me, running around the room to find a gift to give to me. When she finally finds this, she brings the gift to me and after I accept it, she just wants to be cuddled. The joy her behavior brings into the house and everyone she encounters is very constant and pleasurable. In fact, when she is out of the house I find myself often missing her enthusiastic behavior.
My feelings?
Now I understand that the feelings I get from her behavior are my feelings. That is very true. But there are three important aspects here: 1. It is her specific behavior that not only touches me but many around me and 2. I can hardly reproduce those feelings when she is not around. 3. And even if I can reproduce them in myself when she is not around, it misses the aspect of having her around.
You all know this already. Love for example is of course a feeling that you and I feel internally. But if it would be a resource within ourselves that we can turn on and keep turning on, we would not experience a need for a partner. But most of us do feel that desire. The thing is, some feelings we get, come from outside ourselves. It is my experience now with RETaC that many feelings originally ‘come’ from outside us. And because many experiences we have originate from outside ourselves, we tend to look for them outside ourselves. And we should look for them outside ourselves because it is there where they are! Problems only arise if we cannot find or get the resource we are looking for, no matter what we do.
The problem with this myth
The problem this myth creates is that we are taught (by therapists, coaches and self-help methods) that needing something from outside yourself is ‘wrong’. Because it will keep you dependent, helpless even. And that solving that need can only happen delving within oneself to find the resource. This creates an unmistakable problem, a problem that cannot and will not be resolved no matter how many internal resources one finds and applies. The problem? The emotional brain is not wired like this and as we know now from what RETaC teaches us, our emotions will overrule what we know and understand.
I need understanding
When for example there is a deep need in a person for understanding there is another person involved. The one that does or does not, do the understanding. And when the person is not behaving in an understanding way the problem of ‘not feeling understood arises. The myth teaches us to go about this problem approximately in this way. You find ‘all’ resources within yourself and learn how to communicate better. Learn ways to be more empathic. Learn to set boundaries to demand understanding. Find resources to ignore the need for understanding. Maybe learn to develop self-confidence so you won’t feel the frustration of not being understood. The list goes on. But none of these resources will solve the ultimate desire. The desire for understanding.
How self-help creates problems
Why is that? The emotional brain needs the understanding from someone outside ourselves. Unless we start to recognize that our emotional brain processes the same way it did when we were children and that a concept like understanding was built through that interaction with our environment, we in the self-help, coaching and therapy world will create more problems than solutions for our clients. Remember, many resources come from outside ourselves, and that is how it should be.
Learning about how our emotional brain works with RETaC will show you the way to solving this intriguing dilemma.
Myth number 2: To achieve something you need a well-formed outcome (SMART)
This is an article from the RETaC Foundation training. Would you like to learn more about how our emotional brain works? Read more here.
Wassili Zafiris
