Couples therapy does not work!

By 20 March 2020 August 13th, 2021 No Comments

Couples therapy does not work!

In the 25 years of working with clients, one of the big challenges has always been how do you work effectively with couples in crisis. Clients often tell me they learned things in couples therapy does not work.

You might know for yourself how a loving relationship can derail. Starting with small irritations to big and troubling yearlong negativity. I have seen most of it myself and am no stranger to how a sweet relationship can turn sour.

The trouble seems to deepen when children ‘arrive on the scene’. Not at first of course but often as time passes and sleep lessens. When work remains demanding, children become ‘number one’ and partners start to feel neglected. Most of the issues that appear will of course pass. Adjustments to the new situation take time, so we are told. And of course in time we learn that our feelings of stress after a night of poor sleep are temporary. However, some things do not seem temporary, how hard we try, how hard we wish and hope for change. Some things are proven to stay.

When recurring issues between lovers happen one of the partners often suggest relationship therapy. The other half refuses for a long time until threats are made about the consequences of postponing counseling another week. Reluctantly many couples visit a counselor, therapist or coach. But despite efforts made, tips given, communication tools handed the core issues seem to come back. Even when both partners long for a change, and long for love ‘as it once was’.

How to break the relationship impasse?

I have been searching for clues about how to break the relationship impasse. I have often wondered: ‘how is it possible that people slowly drift apart. That they seem to be standing by while it’s happening. Blaming circumstances, partners and what have you?’ Again, I have had the same experience. So the ‘general’ behaviour seems to apply even when you know what you’re talking about. So, what is going on then if also professionals have similar challenges to deal with? 

Finding answers for relationship sorrow

Relationship troubles are so pervasive and common that if we could find answers to alleviate those sorrows many things can change. Much stress would lessen. Children would get better examples and grow up with less anxieties. People would flourish more, work related strain would probably be less invasive. All because that crucial bond is not a stress factor but a nourishing one.

We mold reality by our prediction of what is out there

What then is at the core of resolving relationship issues? After diving into the latest neuro-scientific research and developing models that mimic what that brain research teaches us I can only conclude one thing:

Most issues we experience with our partners are caused by unconscious emotion that cause us to predict negative outcomes!

Predicting what is out there

The research is showing us that we are in fact not responding to ‘what is out there’. We are responding to ‘what we are predicting that is out there’! Say what?! 

Yes, it seems that when we as partners come together our loved one starts to trigger our own most negative unconscious emotions. These emotions are embedded in experiences in our past. These unconscious past experiences teach us what to predict from that. Predict? Yes predict! This differs from for example the NLP principle ‘the map is not the territory’. That states that we all navigate through life with our own interpretation of what is ‘out there’.  ‘Prediction’ means that we do not interpret in our own way, what is out there, it means that we mold our reality by our prediction of that reality!

This knowledge of how our unconscious emotions create our reality, brings us to very new and thought-provoking way of looking at and solving relationship issues. It means and implies that our issues with each other are in fact our own issues! This may be a challenge to grasp and embrace. But when you do this, it can at first create a different communication between partners about what is troubling us with the other person. More importantly, this opens the door to a method of solving relationship issues that is personal, profound and deeply transformative.

Are you interested in how you can change relationship issues? Alone or with your partner?

New couples seminar

I am proud to announce a new relationship seminar based on the latest knowledge in neuroscience. Most (and I mean most) issues in relationships are related to unconscious emotions. 

I developed a program for couples and individuals who want to solve their relationship issues. This is an intense transformative experience. It has the ability to solve many daily returning issues in relationships.

Do you have relationship issues that you cannot solve? A blended family that is not doing well? Feelings of rejection, withdrawal, irritation, anger and recurring issues?

Join this new seminar for couples and individuals who want to change their reactions in relationships, solve stress and rekindle the connection with your partner:

RETaC,Exploring and changing the pitfalls of intimacy and connection in relationships.

One on one help?

Do you want to work on your relationship (issues) in a one on one setting? I can work with you individually or together with a partner. I usually have the first session with both partners and then work with each partner 3 times individually. Then we meet again all together. The most troubling emotions need to be dealt with first and that needs to be done individually. This can also be done online. 

Go to the Life Coach page to make an appointment. Talk to you soon!

Becoming a RETaC coach or therapist

Want to learn how to work with the complexity of systemic challenges in relationships? 

Go to the RETaC page to learn more about the foundation program to become a RETaC therapist or coach. 

Wassili Zafiris